holidays and weekends

Its that feeling like when you have to much wasabi, that rush of pain that shoots up through your nose and sense, stings your eyes and you struggle to catch your breath. That's what it is like every time I look at something you touched. I seem fine, and then the rush of blood and pain and loss of breath as I run my hand along the pillow on the couch that I know you touched, I know you were right there, your breath your life, so simple, and its all gone now.

Sometimes I feel that space, where you once were, and I want to shout out to the whole world how much I love you, how much you mean to me. I want to explain what its like to crawl into one of your tshirts and try to climb into time, where you were here, I am never going to get over this. Ever.
No one understands me anymore. All my close friends are gone, I wonder if they were ever there in to begin with.
Every minute without you is that pain, that sting, that sad part of the movie that you used to laugh when you saw me crying.
I miss you so much, I want you here so bad. I cant even describe how bad its been since you left.
I cant even throw away your tooth brush three months later. I want you to be back here, I want to tell you that there never is anything but you, and life without you sucks. That I have nothing anymore but all these memories and I can still taste you on my lips.
I open the chap stick and its still shaped to your lips. I find your hair in my coats, Your wet suit is hanging in the bathroom and it looks just like you could get right back into it.

Come Back, please. Whatever I have, I would trade my life for yours. I would die, just to get you back. Just come back.

Adrift At Sea At Staircase

I am not sure how I found the strength to get in the water today. Maybe its because I keep surrounding myself with people, because when I have people around I feel like I have to keep it together.

I woke up again, like every other day. In our bed, alone. For those few moments before I turn over, I pretend again, that when I do, there you will be. And then it all floods in again, every day the same thing. Every day I miss you more, rather than less.

So I climbed out of bed. Gathered all my things, dragged my friend off the couch and after a comedy hour of trying to get the surfboards tied on to the car, we headed up to Staircase.

It was so beautiful and sad all at once. I could feel you everywhere, and In my mind I could see us here, the last time we came. God I miss you.

It seemed to surreal, to climb on top of your surf board. Glide out through the water, that I have been so afraid of, for so long, suddenly with no fear at all. Just wanting to get your remains to your final resting place.

As we all sat there, me, and your closest friends, we said some things, I didnt even know what to say. I am so sick of saying goodbye to you. I dont want to say goodbye anymore. I just want you to be here. I dont want to be a widow anymore. I just want to be Mrs. Your Wife, forever.

Surfs up buddy, your friend said. And then they surfed, and I floated. Hugging your board, thinking of you and how beautiful you were, you are. I floated out there for over an hour. I wish I was still floating out there.
We drove home, in silence. And although it is was so hard, I know you are at peace in your favorite spot. And I am here, crying into this computer alone. Thinking life is cruel. But I know living is a gift, and I keep trying to live and remember that you would give anything to be alive here right now, making me watch cops on a Saturday night.

I love you monkey.