Adrift At Sea At Staircase

I am not sure how I found the strength to get in the water today. Maybe its because I keep surrounding myself with people, because when I have people around I feel like I have to keep it together.

I woke up again, like every other day. In our bed, alone. For those few moments before I turn over, I pretend again, that when I do, there you will be. And then it all floods in again, every day the same thing. Every day I miss you more, rather than less.

So I climbed out of bed. Gathered all my things, dragged my friend off the couch and after a comedy hour of trying to get the surfboards tied on to the car, we headed up to Staircase.

It was so beautiful and sad all at once. I could feel you everywhere, and In my mind I could see us here, the last time we came. God I miss you.

It seemed to surreal, to climb on top of your surf board. Glide out through the water, that I have been so afraid of, for so long, suddenly with no fear at all. Just wanting to get your remains to your final resting place.

As we all sat there, me, and your closest friends, we said some things, I didnt even know what to say. I am so sick of saying goodbye to you. I dont want to say goodbye anymore. I just want you to be here. I dont want to be a widow anymore. I just want to be Mrs. Your Wife, forever.

Surfs up buddy, your friend said. And then they surfed, and I floated. Hugging your board, thinking of you and how beautiful you were, you are. I floated out there for over an hour. I wish I was still floating out there.
We drove home, in silence. And although it is was so hard, I know you are at peace in your favorite spot. And I am here, crying into this computer alone. Thinking life is cruel. But I know living is a gift, and I keep trying to live and remember that you would give anything to be alive here right now, making me watch cops on a Saturday night.

I love you monkey.