What happens now, with ten years of stuff. When I cant stop sleeping in your pajamas. Now what?
All that crap about soul mates, who thought that was true?
I watched March of the Penguins on blue ray 8 times today.
Our movie, you say, you said. Now its just like torture. Makes the CIA tactics look like face painting.
Only you get me. Rather inconvenient that you are not here anymore.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday April 20, 2009
For the love of god. My phone hasn't rang in what, like four days now? My new favorite thing to do is to delete numbers out of the blackberry. My new favorite thing is to for people to say they will call me back in five minutes or just a sec and then I never hear from them again. I am down to 987 contacts in my blackberry, down from 2478. Its fucking liberating.
Tonight I pulled his remains out of the weird logo ed bag they came in. Its like this hot pizza bag, but it has a funeral home logo on it. Its ironic, but i have like 18 sympathy cards and 7 of them are from the funeral home, so maybe I shouldn't make fun of them. I pulled the box out and climbed into the bathtub, empty of course, and fucking cried my eyes out. Its harder for the neighbors, who have never once stopped by to say hello, to hear me if I am in the bath tub.
Tonight I found the note you stuck in my laptop that said you loved me and said I had fallen asleep and this note was to make me happy. I also found our anniversary card from last year. Four years. The best four fucking years of our lives. Of my life. And now what. Here i am again, just another reject with nothing in common with any of these people I am left behind with. all the future is gone now. We were going to have kids. We were going to go to the one and only Pamella on June 26th, we were going to be just you and me.
And now guess what. Its just me. And no one else. My step mom told me that i shouldn't call my dad anymore because my sadness upsets him.
So now I cant even call my only parent. My friends have all but disappeared. I swear I could write a whole book on what not to do when this happens to someone you know. And you know, screw all this bullshit. All I want is you. All I think about is you. Life fucking sucks without you. for the love of god, dont lean me for support, because brushing my teeth is a fucking chore, I am not your shoulder to cry on.
My bike tires are flat, and i cant figure out how to use the bike pump. And I couldn't get the sparkling water down from the top shelf in the grocery store and I cried like I was going to die. I sit on the closet floor every day, and I cry into your work shirts, and I am so fucking pissed your not here in your boxer shorts and those ugly black socks up to your knees telling me how your so excited to go to work today. I drive your car every day and its like i am being slowly stabbed.
I am so mad your not here, and I am so mad I am here, and I am so mad in general, that all that is here is this odd house, my friends and family have all disappeared, and your in some box the size of a shoe box. All I had is you. And we were so close, 24/7, so now what, who is left? At least you would have had your mom. It would have been better had it been me that was gone. I wish it was me. I wish you were here dealing with all this crappy shit. I wish you were here with all these people. Your family would be so happy, if they had you, and they could help you get over me. You would be fine without me. But I am a fucking mess without you,. This isn't how it was supposed to be. Your my whole life. Everything now is cardboard and shitty.
Every second is spent thinking how I can get through this minute to get one step closer to where we can be together again.
the whole world has gone on. And its just me now, alone, trying to figure out, WTF. And why the fuck.
And all the bullshit i have to deal with every day because you told me what you wanted and expected if you were to ever leave.
I live my life every day to try and make you proud of me, happy with the choices I am making.
My world revolved around you. And now, well now I cant even find a light or a reason, other than you wouldn't want me to give up.
So I am gritting my teeth, and I am dealing with it. 100% alone.
Come back, just rewind time and come back. I have no idea how to do this without you. And even if I did, I would never want to. All that work, all that chasing you, all that effort, just for you to leave me here now. Just come back. Life sucks without you.
Tonight I pulled his remains out of the weird logo ed bag they came in. Its like this hot pizza bag, but it has a funeral home logo on it. Its ironic, but i have like 18 sympathy cards and 7 of them are from the funeral home, so maybe I shouldn't make fun of them. I pulled the box out and climbed into the bathtub, empty of course, and fucking cried my eyes out. Its harder for the neighbors, who have never once stopped by to say hello, to hear me if I am in the bath tub.
Tonight I found the note you stuck in my laptop that said you loved me and said I had fallen asleep and this note was to make me happy. I also found our anniversary card from last year. Four years. The best four fucking years of our lives. Of my life. And now what. Here i am again, just another reject with nothing in common with any of these people I am left behind with. all the future is gone now. We were going to have kids. We were going to go to the one and only Pamella on June 26th, we were going to be just you and me.
And now guess what. Its just me. And no one else. My step mom told me that i shouldn't call my dad anymore because my sadness upsets him.
So now I cant even call my only parent. My friends have all but disappeared. I swear I could write a whole book on what not to do when this happens to someone you know. And you know, screw all this bullshit. All I want is you. All I think about is you. Life fucking sucks without you. for the love of god, dont lean me for support, because brushing my teeth is a fucking chore, I am not your shoulder to cry on.
My bike tires are flat, and i cant figure out how to use the bike pump. And I couldn't get the sparkling water down from the top shelf in the grocery store and I cried like I was going to die. I sit on the closet floor every day, and I cry into your work shirts, and I am so fucking pissed your not here in your boxer shorts and those ugly black socks up to your knees telling me how your so excited to go to work today. I drive your car every day and its like i am being slowly stabbed.
I am so mad your not here, and I am so mad I am here, and I am so mad in general, that all that is here is this odd house, my friends and family have all disappeared, and your in some box the size of a shoe box. All I had is you. And we were so close, 24/7, so now what, who is left? At least you would have had your mom. It would have been better had it been me that was gone. I wish it was me. I wish you were here dealing with all this crappy shit. I wish you were here with all these people. Your family would be so happy, if they had you, and they could help you get over me. You would be fine without me. But I am a fucking mess without you,. This isn't how it was supposed to be. Your my whole life. Everything now is cardboard and shitty.
Every second is spent thinking how I can get through this minute to get one step closer to where we can be together again.
the whole world has gone on. And its just me now, alone, trying to figure out, WTF. And why the fuck.
And all the bullshit i have to deal with every day because you told me what you wanted and expected if you were to ever leave.
I live my life every day to try and make you proud of me, happy with the choices I am making.
My world revolved around you. And now, well now I cant even find a light or a reason, other than you wouldn't want me to give up.
So I am gritting my teeth, and I am dealing with it. 100% alone.
Come back, just rewind time and come back. I have no idea how to do this without you. And even if I did, I would never want to. All that work, all that chasing you, all that effort, just for you to leave me here now. Just come back. Life sucks without you.
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